Incandescence

I've been thinking a lot about my future. There's a lot to think about. Within the next few months I'll be moving out of Anchorage. I'll have to find a job, a new church. Make new friends. It's daunting, when I think about it. I turned down a job offer here in Ohio. In some ways, I wonder if that was the right decision, but I know it was because I didn't feel peace until I decided to pass on it. It was the 'right' kind of job--good pay, a chance to plug into a solid community here, to be near my parents. I might have been able to buy a house once I settled in. In so many ways it looked like the right choice. But God has a different plan for my life. As I prayed about the opportunity, I realized that choosing to stay in Ohio would not be a bad thing. It could be good but it felt like the easy choice, like I wasn't willing to trust that God could use my uncertain future and bring something good from it. I chose the more difficult pat...

I love finding beauty in simple things during my walks For the sake of everyone's safety, I'm staying off the streets today. Ok, not really, but I did manage to drop a Tupperware of sweet potato casserole on the floor, somehow, it landed right-side-up, but it splashed a trajectory of mashed sweet potatoes in a five-foot path. I also tried to work on my story today, but my attention span is about five minutes long at the moment, which is why I'm blogging instead. Like many hobbies, its something to work on. A few years ago I used to sit down for eight hours at a time to write, so I know I can do it, I just have to work up to it. Kind of like running. I used to hate it, but this past month, I started again at the encouragement of my brother-in-law, who, while he likes to give me a hard time, really does have my best interest in mind. My goal was the Coast Guard fitness test standards, which he was working on as well. For me, it meant a 1.5 mile run in 15:36, 12 pu...

On our hunt up the Denali highway I think I've done more 'Alaskan' things in the last three or four weeks than the last twenty years combined. I was planning on doing NaNoWriMo during November, but between cuddles with my newest niece, Thanksgiving, and a caribou hunt, the month slipped away. I'm still planning on writing, I'm just pushing it back to December. I've been struggling with what my purpose is and what I want to do with my life. When I was in high school, I thought I would have my life figured out by now. It seemed straightforward, simple even. Even in college, I thought I knew. But now, in the midst of life with its ups and downs, its more complicated. I wish I had an answer. But if nothing else, this era of my life has shown me just how important it is to trust the Lord's plan for my life. He has placed me in this season for a reason, maybe I won't know what it is for five months, or even five years. Maybe not ever. But it's fa...

Getting in one last hike before the snow comes This past week and a half I've been thankful for the reminder that God provides, and that God's timing in everything is perfect. I am currently unemployed. Walking out of work on my last day, I knew it was absolutely, without a doubt the best thing that could have happened. I felt like a weight I did not know was there had been lifted off of me, and all I felt was excitement for this new season of life. A chance for a fresh start. A season of trusting the Lord to provide, to direct my steps, and the timing could not have been more perfect for a number of reasons. I'm looking forward to spending a month or two with family, and I'm planning on doing the NaNoWriMo challenge (that's short for National Novel Writing Month). The goal is to write 1,667 words every day for the month of November, and at the end of the month you have written 50,000 words. It is probably going to be a bit of a challenge since I have a new...

As we usher in fall, life has suddenly gotten busy again. I signed up for Bible Study Fellowship and have class every Monday night. It feels a bit like being in college with a lecture, discussion, and daily homework, but so far its been an enriching experience. That's also one reason why it's been awhile since I've posted. I'm having surgery on Wednesday, finally getting the tumor in my ear removed. As the day draws closer, I've been thinking a lot about the trials God places in our lives. It's been hard not to play the comparison game. To not look at the lives of those around me and tell him just how horrible it is to go through all of the things that have happened in the last five years. I have a tendency to see all the bad things and forget all the good that has happened too--family, friends, a job that provides for my needs, the opportunity to write a book. I forget that I deserve much worse, and if Jesus had not died for me, I would spend an eternity ...

Almost a year ago I woke up with Proverbs 3:5 on my mind. I hadn't been reading in Proverbs or thought of the verse in awhile, but it fit so perfectly with where I was then. A year ago, the Lord started showing me one specific area that was not surrendered to Him--my 'status' as a single woman. It's been a good, if painful, process of surrender, some of which I've written about on here. A year ago, I gave up something I really wanted. I let go telling myself the lie that if I did, God would bring something better. And He did, I just didn't see it because of my dissatisfaction. Doubt crept in. The questions. Did God really tell me this? Did he really want this for me? Maybe He made a mistake. Maybe I misunderstood Him. I wish I had taken the easier route of trusting Him completely and letting it go like I should have. Doubt is a heavy burden to carry. It steals peace and tarnishes God's promise of joy in our lives. For those that know me well, you'v...

Sunny days make me feel restless. I think most Alaskans feel that way in the summer. We want to be outside enjoying every minute of the warmth and daylight. Recently I was able to go on a day trip to Seward, and a camping trip to Homer, reminding me of just how beautiful this state is. But when I'm not road-tripping or camping, I've been looking for new things to try. Especially as winter approaches, I want to find new ways to keep busy. If you have any suggestions, let me know! I'd love to hear what you do to keep sane in the winter. Sometimes I find a song that really seems to fit where I am in life. Right now, that song is 'You Say' by Lauren Daigle. If you haven't heard it, you should check it out. The view from the campground in Anchor Point And, if you are on the lookout for a book that is difficult, but eye-opening, check out  The Road of Lost Innocence by Somaly Mam. It is her story of being sold into the Cambodian sex trade. I've been...

I'd like to say I've been so busy hiking and 'adventuring' that I haven't had time to write, but that isn't the case. I've been thinking a lot this month about how much can change in a year. Last July, I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but I was in a lot of pain, and nothing was helping. I'm so thankful that this summer is the complete opposite. But now that the trials are over, I'm seeing how easy it is to lose sight of the Lord. Like weeds, everyday life grows up and takes over until the good is choked out and can't grow. Can you tell I've been working in a garden recently? I spent a couple of days helping my sister clean up her garden, which hadn't been weeded in three weeks. I'm not sure I've ever seen a garden look so bad. It took a lot of backbreaking work to undo three weeks of neglect, and the work isn't over. This post isn't profound, ...

I have a greater appreciation for how much work goes into training new employees. This week at work I was helping train an employee who will be taking over some of my work responsibilities. I'm transitioning into more accounting and HR related work, and its exciting to learn new things, but I think I talked more in two days than I normally do in a week! Which means my introverted self was exhausted by Friday. Through this process, and other things that have happened lately, I have been reminded that sometimes life does not have to go according to plan. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't do spontaneous. I remember asking my high school English teacher during a personality test if I was spontaneous, and she laughed at me. Me--spontaneous--no. Not really. I am a trying to be a little more now, especially since my health is back to 100%. I'm trying to learn to loosen my grip on my expectations and appreciate life for where it is. I think they best description I h...

After an impromptu trip to Seward yesterday with family, I decided to take a break from this gorgeous weather long enough to do a quick post. I haven't been sure what to write lately, there are always a few ideas floating around in my brain but nothing that seems good enough to tease out and write a full post about. I sat here looking at a blank screen, writing and re-writing paragraphs. I haven't been doing a good job lately of having quiet time to process, which is part of the reason I have not written lately. Nothing seemed to come out quite right today, so I decided to switch things up a bit and write some poetry instead. When the Lord seems silent, I am far from him When He tells me--'wait', I still ask--'why?' and question Him He is patient When I am not, Abounding in grace He never leaves me Or forsakes me When I stray, He is a rock amidst storms, My comfort, a place of peace

I keep telling myself that I'm going to write my second book. Actually, more of the re-write of my first officially complete book. But something always seems to get in my way, whether obligations, lack of 'inspiration' or simply being too tired. But I realized this is a pattern in my life, of being all talk and not sitting down to write.  I am finally willing to admit a few things: If I wait for inspiration to hit, I'll never write another book. Just like most habits in life, it has to be cultivated and nurtured through the tender beginning I haven't written consistently since 2016. How sad is that? I'm going old school and writing my book longhand so I won't be distracted by Pinterest or Instagram. Or even working on my newest blog post. So this week, I went to the store and bought a brand new college rule notebook and a pack of new pens. There's something satisfying about a brand new notebook, ready to hold the words I create, and ...

It's been awhile since my last post! Life has a way of happening when I'm not paying attention. I realized something today. It's been six years since I graduated from college. It's crazy to think about everything that has happened since then. If you had told me what my future held, I probably would have laughed in disbelief. I feel like a completely different person than the girl who graduated, ideals intact, dreams untarnished, just a few years ago. I had a very idealistic view of what my life would be like after I graduated. What I wanted hasn't happened yet, and what no one ever wants--happened. A lot of my friends and family are in a season of change, and in some ways it makes me feel like I'm being left behind. What holds a person to one place, to one job, to one state? For me, there have been a myriad reasons to stay where I am. Lately I've been inspired by a friend who is stepping out of her comfort zone in a big way and making a move t...

It's been a while since I've read something that has been so profound that I've wanted to write it down. But tonight I read this and had to find a pen and paper: "Pray for a heart that is so fully satisfied with God that you are able to be content with what he has placed in your life." - Whiter than snow - Paul David Tripp Sometimes I wish I could stop reading things that convict me. It would be nice if I could live in a little bubble of bliss and ignorance, but I suppose in the long run, it would not be even half as rewarding. And growth is good, I suppose. If I'm being honest, this is not how I pray. Not all the time. Discontentment creeps in so easily and darkens and distorts my life. My prayers. How often do I see difficulties as an opportunity to pray for contentment? How often do I pray for contentment when life is 'normal'? Do I ever pray for contentment? Even more convicting--have I ever prayed for a heart that is so fully satisf...

Fun fact: peonies are one of my favorite flowers, mostly because here it means  its the middle of summer. And they're gorgeous. I was looking through some of my old poems recently. After a little bit of editing, I decided to share it. I've been struggling to find something to write about, but this sums up so much of what I want to say about life and faith. so often, I turn from your love l ive without Your hope cheapen your grace live my life on my own terms so often, I live without Your guidance, choose a life that revolves around myself and leads to worry, sin, pain, not joy and yet, You are there waiting, holding out your arms. it's a relentless grace I don't deserve a patience I can never understand

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the realization of just how skewed my prayers can get in light of my desires. In that vein, I challenged myself to make some changes. One of these was to consciously NOT pray about a specific subject for 30 days. Not because I was discouraged, or because I have given up hope that the Lord will answer, but because I want to show Him that I trust Him. I trust Him enough to stop praying, to live my life and not have it be constantly on my mind. I trust Him enough to let go of it for now. To work at being content with His answer, which is to wait. Maybe even indefinitely. There have been a few times that I have almost forgotten and prayed about it, and I probably would have just started the 30 days over again. In the meantime, it's helped me see other things that I can be praying for as well. Also, I don't know about you, but I love finding new music to listen to. This song by Shane and Shane (Psalm 46) was the perfect reminder this week that...

I've put off writing this blog post for the last few days because its painful to admit my shortcomings here for anyone to read. I usually plug in my headphones and tune out during my walks, but lately I've been challenging myself to use this time intentionally for prayer and reflection, and I've realized something--I'm not very thankful. As I walked, I prayed about some of my unanswered prayers and listed, as a 'reminder', the desires He has not fulfilled, and the dissatisfaction that that lack of response has caused. But before I could wallow too long in my self-pity, I remembered something. Most (ok, all) of my complaints are not important in light of eternity. How often do I contemplate the unimaginable--of Christ dying on the cross for me--for my sins? Not enough. So often, I don't see the sin that binds me and keeps my thoughts centered on the wrong things. I use God as a sounding board for my complaints because it's easier than facing ...

I've struggled some in the past to figure out the direction of my blog. Lately it's been running more in the vein of life lessons and faith, but right now my life is calm, quiet even. It's nice to have a time of rest and recovery after months of stress. For the first time in almost a year, I'm not worrying about doctors bills or whether I'll feel good enough to make it to work, and I've realized there are a lot of areas of my life that have been put on 'hold', for lack of a better word. My health is more of a priority to me now. Not that I ever wanted or was trying to be unhealthy, but I've realized just how important it is to my overall well-being. I'm kind of obsessed with apple cider vinegar (with the mother, of course). I like to make a drink with lemon juice and honey to help cut the flavor a little. It's supposed to have all sorts of health benefits. I'm also looking at labels on everything from makeup and shampoo to food and...

Sometimes I find myself questioning a decision I made. It could have been something I decided five years ago, or 5 minutes ago. I'm sure no one else has ever done that.... I went for a walk today (first one post surgery, yay!). I like to use this time to reflect. Today was no different. As I thought over the past few months, everything I've gone through, there were a few things that I regretted. But as I started to spiral I remembered the most important part--I didn't make the decision lightly or without thought--it was something the Lord was telling me to do. And as gently today, I was reminded that if He was the one helping me make the decision, it was for my good. He doesn't do things to hurt us. Often, I think He is saving us from pain down the road. It is so easy, in hindsight, to forget the process of listening to the Lord, of praying and being obedient. It's easy to miss His still, small voice. Easy to live outside of His will because its e...

I know I talk a lot about trusting the Lord on here, but the older I get, the more I experience, the more I realize how transforming it has been in my life. The journey to being healthier has been one of frustration, lots of doctors visits (14 in the past six months), and trying not to stress about the cost of treatment. It has been a period of questioning, of trying to trust, of being thankful, because all things considered, it could have been so much worse. I'm excited to start getting healthy again. Last spring, for the first time ever, I wanted to run. I didn't push myself to do more than I felt I could manage, and after a week or two I was seeing a lot of improvement. But it felt like a losing battle. After June, I was having one, maybe two goods weeks every month, and the rest of the time I was somewhere between mostly-ok and miserable. In the past six or seven months, I felt like my life was on hold, waiting for those good days, scared to make commitments because I...

I could use some more sunshine and warmth  right about now...but I guess I'll just have to satisfy myself with pictures for now I have an imagination that leads me down the path of worry more often than I care to admit. This week, as I prepare for surgery--which is on Friday, yikes!--there are a lot of unknowns. I do not have an official diagnosis yet, that is partly what the surgery is for. I have realized, more than ever, that I do not do good with unknowns. I'm the kind of person that overthinks any new experience, making it far more of an ordeal than it needs to be. This week, I have been reminding myself that there is no point in worrying about a diagnosis that I have not even received yet. My mother's friend said something that really stuck with me: think of what you are afraid of and ask if Jesus will be there. The response: 'of course'. So then why am I afraid? Whether I come out with a clean bill of health, or find out that this problem will...

I started January with a break from romance. I didn't miss the movies, the tv, even books. I had more time to spend on other, more fulfilling things. I've started reading When I Don't Desire God, How to Fight For Joy by John Piper. I'm only on chapter three but it is already encouraging and challenging. The past few days have been rough. I've talked a little bit about my health on here, I've mentioned that I have a surgery coming up. It's been hard not to be discouraged in the past few months during the process of figuring out what is wrong. As I lay curled up in pain this weekend, sobbing because I wasn't sure how much longer I could take the pain, the last thing I wanted to think about was joy. But it's so important. There are so many questions, so many prayers that the Lord has not answered yet. It's easy to get impatient and question the His timing when He isn't giving me what I want. This has been a season of learning patie...

Who else misses the color green? It's been so dreary here lately... Only a few more months to go! Happy new year! With a new year come resolutions. I don't usually do any because I typically last a week or two and end in guilt and defeat. This year, though, I have a couple of changes I want to make, and I think they are sustainable ones. I've been thinking a lot about beauty. About singleness. About contentment in a season of life I don't understand. This week I am taking a break from romance, whether in the medium of a movie, tv show, book, or song. Cutting those things out has forced me to find more meaningful content, things that will enrich my mind, not just entertain. My plan is to make this a more permanent change (although the music might be hard, I really miss my country playlist right now). Instead of reading fiction, this week I am reading a book that has been challenging but needed. One of the things that has most resonated with me so fa...