A Jonah Day
Yesterday was a Jonah day (I pilfered the name from Anne of Green Gables, a term used to describe a bad, stressful, terrible sort of day). It wasn't that it was so terrible...but it kind of was. Eight years ago, a routine visit to the eye doctor right before my freshman year of college took an unexpected turn. I had a hole in my eye, if it didn't heal properly, it had the potential to detach my retina.
That wasn't the sort of news I wanted to hear. I was already nervous enough about my first year away from home, I didn't need that additional stress. Thankfully, it healed, and nothing ever came of it.
Until yesterday.
I had an eye appointment. First of all, it was snowing, and I was driving my parent's car. I don't like driving much to begin with, but driving a vehicle I am not familiar with on snowy roads was especially nerve wracking, especially before 9 AM. I ended up sliding onto the shoulder of the road once while making a sharp turn on a back road. That was not my proudest moment, but it could have been worse--I didn't get stuck.
I did make it on time, unscathed. They dilated my eyes, and then the doctor prodded them, shining blinding light at them, ordering me to look left, right, up down. I endured it for what seemed like hours, my vision swimming, eyes burning and drying, fighting the urge to blink or close them against the glare. And then he informed me I had a possible tear/hole in my right eye and he wanted me to see a retina specialist in Dover as soon as possible. It just so happens they have an office there, and are only there on Tuesdays.
Because he didn't know if it was a tear (there is a difference between a tear and a hole, but don't ask me to explain it, I don't exactly understand it, just that a tear is worse, and can, worst case scenario, detach the retina), he wanted me to go see this specialist. Right away. They called their office, and they promised to squeeze me in as soon as they could, handed me a pamphlet, and sent me on my way, half blinded because of my dilated eyes.
I had gone through something similar eight years ago and nothing had come of it. But there was still that seed of worry, willing to grow if I just gave it a little encouragement. What if, this time, it was more serious? But they dilated my eyes (two times in one day, ugh) and poked and prodded, numbed my eyes, and shone the blinding light into them.
After careful examination, he sat back and told me it wasn't an immediate concern. He could laser it to help it strengthen and heal, but otherwise I didn't need to do anything. He sent me off, telling me to see an eye doctor again in a few months. I don't know why I'm having these holes, other than the 'blessing' of being near-sighted.
I am unaccountably blessed. I have never had a major medical emergency, I've never been in a hospital. I don't have a terminal illness. And yet, it's amazing how something as small as this can turn your day upside down. I wasn't expecting it, and even as it happened, it had an air of unreality to it. In spite of everything, I still have the tendency to just expect my life to never have any bumps or surprises.
I am so selfish. I'm not proud of it, but I expect God to let me have a pain-free life. Our family has been through enough in the past few years, we don't need more. But God never promised us pain-free lives, and I came face-to-face with that possibility yesterday. By His grace and mercy, my problem was not serious. But it could have been, and I am ashamed to say that I was not ready to face it with faith and confidence in Him.
I have seen His hand in my life in the past, and yet, so easily, I ignore it, and try to get through life on my own. Yesterday was a rude awakening. He keeps giving them to me--an infection and my car breaking down this summer, and now this. I need to trust Him, but it is so hard to step back from my own life and believe that He knows what is best for me.
So here is to trusting Him more and letting Him be the guiding light in my life, because I do a poor job of it when I do it myself. I just end up depressed and downhearted, wracked with self-doubt and unable to move forward with my life. I will persevere, because He has first.
That wasn't the sort of news I wanted to hear. I was already nervous enough about my first year away from home, I didn't need that additional stress. Thankfully, it healed, and nothing ever came of it.
Until yesterday.
I had an eye appointment. First of all, it was snowing, and I was driving my parent's car. I don't like driving much to begin with, but driving a vehicle I am not familiar with on snowy roads was especially nerve wracking, especially before 9 AM. I ended up sliding onto the shoulder of the road once while making a sharp turn on a back road. That was not my proudest moment, but it could have been worse--I didn't get stuck.
I did make it on time, unscathed. They dilated my eyes, and then the doctor prodded them, shining blinding light at them, ordering me to look left, right, up down. I endured it for what seemed like hours, my vision swimming, eyes burning and drying, fighting the urge to blink or close them against the glare. And then he informed me I had a possible tear/hole in my right eye and he wanted me to see a retina specialist in Dover as soon as possible. It just so happens they have an office there, and are only there on Tuesdays.
Because he didn't know if it was a tear (there is a difference between a tear and a hole, but don't ask me to explain it, I don't exactly understand it, just that a tear is worse, and can, worst case scenario, detach the retina), he wanted me to go see this specialist. Right away. They called their office, and they promised to squeeze me in as soon as they could, handed me a pamphlet, and sent me on my way, half blinded because of my dilated eyes.
I had gone through something similar eight years ago and nothing had come of it. But there was still that seed of worry, willing to grow if I just gave it a little encouragement. What if, this time, it was more serious? But they dilated my eyes (two times in one day, ugh) and poked and prodded, numbed my eyes, and shone the blinding light into them.
After careful examination, he sat back and told me it wasn't an immediate concern. He could laser it to help it strengthen and heal, but otherwise I didn't need to do anything. He sent me off, telling me to see an eye doctor again in a few months. I don't know why I'm having these holes, other than the 'blessing' of being near-sighted.
I am unaccountably blessed. I have never had a major medical emergency, I've never been in a hospital. I don't have a terminal illness. And yet, it's amazing how something as small as this can turn your day upside down. I wasn't expecting it, and even as it happened, it had an air of unreality to it. In spite of everything, I still have the tendency to just expect my life to never have any bumps or surprises.
I am so selfish. I'm not proud of it, but I expect God to let me have a pain-free life. Our family has been through enough in the past few years, we don't need more. But God never promised us pain-free lives, and I came face-to-face with that possibility yesterday. By His grace and mercy, my problem was not serious. But it could have been, and I am ashamed to say that I was not ready to face it with faith and confidence in Him.
I have seen His hand in my life in the past, and yet, so easily, I ignore it, and try to get through life on my own. Yesterday was a rude awakening. He keeps giving them to me--an infection and my car breaking down this summer, and now this. I need to trust Him, but it is so hard to step back from my own life and believe that He knows what is best for me.
So here is to trusting Him more and letting Him be the guiding light in my life, because I do a poor job of it when I do it myself. I just end up depressed and downhearted, wracked with self-doubt and unable to move forward with my life. I will persevere, because He has first.
Comments