100% Myself

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It's no secret that I'm an introvert. I was branded with that label in high school. We took the Myers Briggs test, and back then I scored 100% introvert. Yes, I could very easily be a hermit. My home is safe, I wear the silence like a blanket, warm and protective.

I'm not 100% introverted anymore. But I'm probably still in the mid 80's. But on top of being an introvert, I'm also shy. These are two separate traits, but combined, they form a formidable barrier against making friends easily.

Why am I telling you this? I'm not sure, I guess because sometimes I wish people could see what it's like to struggle with being a shy introvert, and to realize that if I don't reach out, it's not because I don't want to, it's probably because I'm afraid to.

Reaching out to people is hard. I don't do parties unless I know at least a few of the people. The few times that I have found myself alone in a sea of strangers, I start to feel awkward and I have to fight the desire to hide in a dark corner. For me, walking up to a complete stranger sometimes feels like the equivalent of charging a cow moose in the spring--you don't do it unless you have a death wish.

But the funny thing is, it's not always like that. There are times when I feel emboldened enough to reach out to someone. Part of my problem is I care to much about what people think of me. (Sorry for the italics, but I felt like I needed to emphasize that-- it's more dramatic I guess.)

The fear of man can be crippling. Galatians 1:10 is a very convicting reminder that I should not be seeking man's approval, but God's. I'm not sure how to balance what the Bible says about fear of man with my shy-introverted personality. I think I will always struggle against the pull to shield myself from people, to pull away when I should push forward and be open to new friendships. And trust, always trust. It's so easy to try and live my life apart from God, when I should be falling on my knees thanking Him for being merciful and intervening on my behalf.

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