Recently I've been struggling to feel content. Content with who I am, content with what I do. Content with my life in general. I think I always had certain expectations of what my life would be like when I was an adult, and I have not lived up to those expectations. I am mad at myself for not doing better, trying harder, experiencing more. But given the opportunities, would anything even change?
I can blame my complacency on many things--struggles, fear, self-doubt. But I think that what I am really struggling with is humbling myself before a Holy, Sovereign God in complete submission. It is hard to trust that He is not going to take the people I love from me, that His plan for my life is good, that He will provide for me. Not always in the way I want Him to, or in a manner I expect, but He will.
It is a painful process of peeling the layers of self-sufficiency, self-focus, and autonomy away. Like Eustace in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I cannot do it alone. On my own strength, there will always be too many layers for me to peel away. I do not think I would ever even try to peel away those layers. The process is painful because it requires dying to myself every day. Multiple times a day. I am so thankful that I do not have to have my life perfectly together, because I would fail. I am so thankful that my salvation does not depend on anything that I do, because I would fail.
I can blame my complacency on many things--struggles, fear, self-doubt. But I think that what I am really struggling with is humbling myself before a Holy, Sovereign God in complete submission. It is hard to trust that He is not going to take the people I love from me, that His plan for my life is good, that He will provide for me. Not always in the way I want Him to, or in a manner I expect, but He will.
It is a painful process of peeling the layers of self-sufficiency, self-focus, and autonomy away. Like Eustace in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I cannot do it alone. On my own strength, there will always be too many layers for me to peel away. I do not think I would ever even try to peel away those layers. The process is painful because it requires dying to myself every day. Multiple times a day. I am so thankful that I do not have to have my life perfectly together, because I would fail. I am so thankful that my salvation does not depend on anything that I do, because I would fail.
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