Incandescence

Christmas always comes more quickly than I expect it to. This year was no different. And like (almost) every other Christmas in Alaska in the past five years, I ushered it in with a cold. I guess next year I need to go sunbathe on a warm, sunny beach. As I look back at the past year, and what God has done in my life, I would like to think there has been some growth. I've been stretched beyond where I am comfortable, felt pummeled as I've had health problems for the past six months, and wondered why He would take away good things in my life. But God is showing me so many ways that I can trust Him more and lean upon Him and not my own understanding. I have surgery scheduled for February. It's not anything life-threatening, and I can be thankful for that, but of all the infinite possibilities for 2018, that was certainly not something I expected.  But that is life.  The Lord has a way of throwing things at you that you didn't see coming. And they aren'...

Proverbs 3:5 has been at the forefront of my mind. I hadn't thought of it in a long time, and then, one morning, it came to mind when I needed the reminder most. It feels like the theme of my life these past few months has been surrender. Of God pinpointing the areas of my life that I hold most tightly to and saying, "let go". a slow surrender, piece by piece as You sanctify my life a process of growth and trust, of peace and pain, of failure and fortitude He has shown me that I need to: Trust in Him as I surrender hopes and dreams. Trust in Him as my job feels less secure, and the future uncertain. Trust in Him constantly. Continuously. Trust in Him even when life is difficult. Trust in Him when there is loss. Trust in Him when life is good.

I have had lots of ideas for posts lately, but never found the motivation to actually sit down and write them out. That seems to be the case a lot--the thread of an idea that I have no time or interest in unraveling--but today I am sitting down to write out some of my thoughts. If not now--when? That has been a recurring thought for me lately. If not now...when? For so many years, there was something just a few years away--high school graduation. College. College graduation. My first job. My stint as an unemployed writer. My new job. Every few years, for years, there has been something new to anticipate, but for the first time--possibly ever--there is nothing looming. No big change, no excitement as I start school or quit a job to try something different, and I can't help but wonder, is this it?  Occasionally I'll joke about moving to Hawaii or trying something new, but never quite seem to muster the courage to do it. But there is a different kind of courage in living i...

This weekend has been delightfully quiet and relaxing, exactly what I've needed after a month--months, really--of stress and poor health and frustration. I've felt like my writing has been the last thing I've been able to focus on, and I haven't made it a priority, and then today, I unexpectedly had a spark of an idea that flared into a bright flame of inspiration and for the first time in months I'm excited and want to write. I think after months of not knowing what I was going to do, I might finally have the second-third-fourth-whatever-number-this-is draft for my story nailed down. That's been a lot of the problem. I've got the characters all ready, they just needed a fitting plot, and none of the ones I've come up with have really panned out. Hopefully this time, this will be the one that sticks. I suppose I should also clarify that I'm ok, health-wise. I finally have some answers and can get the treatment I need and hopefully finally be don...

Every now and then I like to post music that I've been listening to. Some of these almost obsessively. - 'Too Late for Lullabies' - James Morrison. I'm kind of a sucker for raspy voices. I'm pretty sure I listened to this song on repeat for a couple of days after I discovered it. - Sherlock Series 4: the Final Problem - David Arnold & Michael Price. Particularly 'She Was Different' & 'Who You Really Are'. The violins. So beautiful. - 'Dare Ya' - Carly Pearce - 'Blue Beard' - Band of Horses - 'Take it All Back' - Judah & the Lion - 'Wait' - NF - 'Alone With You' - Canyon City I also created a playlist of songs I used to listen to back in high school. Some of the 'highlights': - 'Definitely Maybe' - FM Static - 'I Don't Wanna Be' - Gavin DeGraw - 'Photograph' - Nickelback - 'Stop and Stare' - OneRepublic - 'Bad Day' - Daniel Powter -...

Last weekend was one of those idyllic, peaceful times that I sometimes wish could stretch on forever. It always feels wonderful to get out of town, and to be (mostly) disconnected from my phone. To go on impromptu hikes and enjoy sunshine beating down on my face while spending time with family. But on the heels of that weekend came other things--discontentment as I went on social media and saw friends and acquaintances posting pictures of their lives. Engagements. Weddings. Babies. I start to question why their lives seem so easy and mine seems so difficult, and why God chose the path he did for my life. But the comparison game is dangerous. I forget that there is more to the pictures than what is seen. Smiles can conceal sadness and the same dissatisfaction that I sometimes feel. The same struggles that I face. So often, I am consumed with my own challenges that I forget that most of us are going through something difficult. I need to find my contentment in the Lord, not in wheth...

It's been cool and rainy here all week, signaling the end of summer. While I'm not excited for winter, I am looking forward to hot apple cider, everything pumpkin (well, just about everything), and fires on the back deck...if it ever stops raining. I've been trying not to let the thought of winter keep me from enjoying the present season--there really is so much to be thankful for right now. I have been obsessing over some new music, enjoyed time with a friend who came to visit recently, and have two awesome roomies who keep encouraging me to grow and step out of my comfort zone. Sadly, with everything else that's been happening recently, my writing has been neglected. I've sat down multiple times to post here and inspiration seemed to evade me every time. That's pretty much been the story of my life recently when it comes to all of my writing projects. I either seem to have the time, and no inspiration, or the inspiration, but no time. Powerline Pass ...

It's hard to believe that July is almost over. To me, that signals the end of summer. Perhaps it's a little dramatic, but here in AK that's not too far from the truth. But to cheer me up, my best friend is here for a visit! It's nice to have something good to look forward to this summer after some of the more difficult things that have happened. I don't have anything profound to write about tonight, so I'll leave you with a few things I've learned this week: - never pick your coffee based on how cute the packaging is, especially when it's a 2 pound bag. - never wait three weeks to weed your garden. Also along those lines, it's probably a good idea to mow the lawn more than once every two weeks or the grass 'might' grow tall and be that much harder to mow. - never leave brand-new clothes with the tags attached sitting in the front seat of your (unlocked) car or they might be stolen. - Always drink coffee before answering calls from c...

The last few months have been rough in some ways. I've been so tempted to feel sorry for myself, to wallow in the frustration of doctors visit after doctors visit, (almost) none of them planned. After three ear infections in several months, I finally went to the doctor this spring, only to be referred to an ENT specialist, who then sent me to get CT scan. I found out I have a benign tumor in my ear requiring surgery. But until I have the surgery, I'm partially deaf. It has been so humbling to have the Lord take away the things I take for granted, like my hearing, and to be reminded that my health is a blessing, as I've now had two visits to an urgent care in less than four weeks, and had blood work, labs, and two rounds of antibiotics. I don't tell this because I want to, or to make you feel sorry for me. In all honesty I almost deleted this post. I tell you because all of these trials started to make sense a few days ago. Because if I'm honest, I haven'...

Rain is dripping from the eaves, a steady staccato background as I sit and type. Peonies are nestled in a bowl of water on the table, buds opening a little more each day, and perfume the air around me. Thanks to a really awesome boss, I was able to do all of today's work (aka pay people) Friday afternoon/evening and did not have to work today. It a blessing to be able to not worry about setting an alarm, savor my coffee over breakfast, and spend a few hours playing piano, reading, and catching up on projects I've been putting off for months. For those of you that know me, you know that I'm a procrastinator. I'm not proud of it, but my philosophy is often why do today what I can put off until tomorrow? Or a recent favorite, a definition of tomorrow that made me laugh ...I definitely put that on the company newsletter, which I realize I never mentioned here. A couple of months ago my boss found out I have a technical writing degree and I could see her eyes light up....

It would not be a normal summer without at least one trip to Virgin Creek Falls. I (kind of) wish the hike was a little longer, but it's still fun for a quick side trip if you are in that area anyway. Unfortunately, I messed with the settings on my camera too much and didn't get many good pictures, and while I was standing there messing with the settings, I was being attacked by bloodthirsty mosquitoes. Needless to say, this was a quick photo op. I'm possibly-just-maybe considering getting a puppy, and it would be from a dog that looks similar to this one pictured here: I just finished re-reading this book , and enjoyed it even more the second time. I made a goal to read at least one classic a year, although I feel like that one almost doesn't count since I've read it before. 24 pictures to make you laugh. This art project looks like a lot of fun! I might just have to try it, but on canvas. More funny moments caught on camera . Some beautiful s...

I think the reason I haven't posted in so long is because I tread a fine line on here between oversharing and not sharing anything because of my fear of--you guessed it--oversharing. To say the past few months haven't had challenges would be a lie. Life always brings challenges. Recently I've been struggling to find contentment. I think the root of it is looking at my life where it is in reality verses the expectations I had. This is not the life I thought I would be living. I didn't expect to stay in Alaska, I didn't foresee myself working in an HR/Payroll capacity. But that's life, and I'm learning to live with it. Instead of dwelling on the disappointment, I've challenged myself to focus on the good things in my life. I won't list them, that's boring, but there are definitely things to be grateful for. And, just to mix things up, here are my 'hiking' goals for the summer, in no particular order: 1) Portage Pass in Whittier ...

I did something recently, and now I am seeing the fruits of it. What was it I did? you ask. I'll tell you: I prayed for humbleness. That's probably not something I should have asked for so lightly. Now, two weeks later, I'm starting to see the subtle ways that God is reminding me of my prayer and nudging me towards growth. I did not stop to reflect on my prayer or on the words I spoke. I meant them--or at least I thought I did--but God took them and used them to teach me something--I should be much more intentional about my prayers. That in itself is humbling. So often, I pray without real conviction, without thought, almost flippantly. I pray to check it off my list. It is humbling to realize how often I do to not give God the proper awe and respect He deserves when it comes to this area of my life. As if to really ensure I learn my lesson, the last two weeks at church the sermons have been about prayer. It's funny how God does that...this summer, when I was di...

Happy New Year! I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. I was talking with a friend recently about how frustrated I was because I have not been writing, and she challenged me to write even a little bit each day, something that my creative writing professor told us to do all the time. Apparently my professor's advice finally stuck, because This is day three in a row of spending at least ten minutes on my story, and five out of seven days this week working on a writing project of some sort. Baby steps. It feels really good to get back into the habit of writing daily. I think it helps when I don't look at it as a big task, but as a daily opportunity. I get to write, I have no reason not to, so why wouldn't I? Hopefully this encouraging trend will continue. I'm grateful for friends and family who challenge me. I did not make any New Year's resolutions. Normally I do, but I never end up keeping them, and just end up feeling guilty and frust...